she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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