M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
