I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
