cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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