The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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