life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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