yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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