this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
