i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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