You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Randomize
