Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
