A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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