She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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