Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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