Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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