I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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