Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
