last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
