I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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