You're earring is so big in my mouth
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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