I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
