I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
