She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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