so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think i scared a bird with my dick
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
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The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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