I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
