Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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