cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
