Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
