What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
