my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
