my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
