Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
