thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
