i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Randomize
