You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
