Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
