There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
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My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
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You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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