Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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