you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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