Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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