1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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