I didn't shave. On purpose
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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