I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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