Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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