Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
