none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
