I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
