I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
