am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
