im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I supernannyed him into submission
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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