a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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