Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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