my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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