I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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