blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
