I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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