I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
