You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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